me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
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[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales