All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Lassie, get help!
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup