wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
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sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*