Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
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I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
bout dat hot dog summer
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
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Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”