The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
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Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I hope this email finds you in a well
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”