Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
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Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
what’s the point then??
my astrological sign is a french fry
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo