[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death