When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good