Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
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the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Why are bridges so flammable.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]