Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
You Might Also Like
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.