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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
My dating profile:
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now