I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
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Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
People buying plungers never look happy.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.