FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
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Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT