DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
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mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.