RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
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“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.