Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
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It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.