“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I need to get some bricks…
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now