me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
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Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I had to Stop for this
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I have so many questions.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me too 😆
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime