Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
You Might Also Like
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert