Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
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me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
black phone good
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?