[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
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flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I think they could have phrased this better
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
The only equipped I am is ill.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.