When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
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The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
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I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Does your wife know you’re single?
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