Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
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I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.