Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
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Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
moms in horror movies
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
You sure about that?
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.