MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
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Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Meow
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
shampoo implies shampee
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours