“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
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[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
superman landing like a plane on his belly
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go