My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
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| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
…..pretty much.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.