Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
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Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Tony Hawk, age 6
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
This is my brand.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
*launders Kohls cash*
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…