Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
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If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
😂💯