I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
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When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN