“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
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‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I am never leaving this website
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.