Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
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I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Are you ok, human???
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?