I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
You Might Also Like
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
yeah not falling for this one
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
this chia pet tastes awful
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
This is my emotional support knife.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.