Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
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It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?