The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
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Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???