me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
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“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Why soy sad?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…