[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
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The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”