My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
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Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”