Boom, boom, ching!
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Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Close call…
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me