How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood