16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
it must be school picture day
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea: