Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
never deleting this app.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
*updates tinder bio*
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.