If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
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Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?