LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
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I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him