me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC