I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
You Might Also Like
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Still laughing at this stupid meme
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Sing it!
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
that de-escalated quickly
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes