My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
#winning
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.