Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
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I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”