Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
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MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.