Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
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Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’